Not Fine, Actually
Today, on a Sunday morning I’m sat watching the Great North Run with an aching body, feeling exhausted and wishing I could just be like everyone else.
Instead of having the energy to live my life fully, I’ve been trapped for the last few years simply trying to survive each day. I wonder where my life went, I wonder how to get out of this situation where everything I do is to get my body to feel good but often never even having the energy to get out of bed to off the sofa. I try and try but any progress I make is quickly diminished by another bout of weariness battling with my mind to stop me.
My chronic illness isn’t a new thing, I have lived with it for over 33 years. I ignored it when I was younger, I pushed through the tiredness and masked how I truly felt while hitting all the milestone of a person’s 20’s and 30’s. Then a decade of post-separation abuse meant I ignored my body to focus on my mind, to survive mentally first. And when that period of my life eventually ended and I could finally focus on myself I began to realise what had been happening to my body and it’s hit me with the force of a medieval executioner enacting their duty to administer justice.
Nobody in my life knew the truth, they all thought I was fine, this is still the case. I rarely tell people how I really feel, if I ever say something along the lines of ‘I’ve not been feeling well due to my chronic illness’, the responses always wish me well again soon - like the problem can be easily resolved, that it will be fixed. But the nature of a chronic illness is that it will never be fixed, no matter that medication is supposed to work or a doctor tells me ‘your bloods are within a normal range’, my chronic illness sits there quietly waiting to hit me once again each time I think I’ve beaten it.
Masking is tiresome, but being honest is risky and not something I am yet comfortable doing. Never being ‘seen’ by people in life is harming me more than I am prepared to truly admit - I want to change that, I want to live fully and freely in a way so few of us do.
The current state of the world is exhausting and affects me more than I should let it. I know I’m not alone in this. It’s hard to not be consumed by distressing events in the news, or to be angry about other people’s opinions. But these things impact my health and compound the effects of my chronic illness in a way that never happened when I lived largely oblivious to discord. Ignoring the events of the world is not a solution I want. What I want is to live in harmony in a way where letting myself be aware of the realities of life does not affect my health.
And so, this blog is about how I will not let the world win, how I will find self-compassion and let myself rest on the hard days but still build a flourishing life whilst honouring my values around world events. This blog is about my desires, my dreams, my past, and my future.
